We started emailing on Match.com a few times. He's dating headline was "The Infamous El Guapo", should have known. We then moved to the phone where we had two lengthy conversations in which he would not let me get off the phone. He's a Math teacher who is finishing his PhD, very analytical. But he's pretty funny, tries too hard sometimes, and quotes Napoleon Dynamite. Why is it that all straight men quote that movie? It's such a turn off. Seriously I've talked to a handful of guys on the phone and almost everyone pulls out a line from that movie, lame.
We decide to have dinner and set the date for a Thursday night. I think to myself that he seems pretty harmless so I decide to let him pick me up (a first). His profile goes on about how he's a romantic guy, flowers, cards, pulling out the chair. On the phone he is annoyingly inquisitive, wanting to know too much about me, asking inappropriate sexual questions. Why do guys do this? Instead of seeing what we care about in life, what maybe our background is, they'd prefer to know what our favorite sexual position is. I think these men are definitely lacking some brain cells somewhere. But being me I’ve decided to give everyone a fair shot because who knows what someone is like in person.
He is a half hour late. I think to myself that maybe he's going to flake on me. I knew he had a meeting he would be into until 6 but for god sake it was already 8pm. Finally he calls and apologizes profusely so I decide to give him a chance, big mistake.
He picks me up and I’m wearing heels and the first thing I notice is that he is way shorter than his profile said. This seems to be a problem lately. I went out with this guy that said he was 5'6 and he was actually like 5'3. I went to give him a hug goodbye and our eyes were the same level. Ekk, it was terrible because I was in flats!
He starts in with the jokes, there are no nice compliments, no "wow you look great" and I did. Good hair night for me. It always happens like that. We drive over to Hillcrest because he wants to take me to Amarin Thai. We can't find a park so he ends up parking like 6 blocks from the restaurant. All I can think is how I'm going to have to look down on him while we are walking because he's so short. Dinner is pretty uneventful. He did pull out my chair and tried to push me back in but that didn't work out too smoothly. How are you supposed to do that trick anyways? Maybe if I weighed what Gladys does he'd be able to push me in while I lift my feet off the ground. I ended up just half squatting while he attempted to get me securely close to the table. He orders the duck. I felt like a child, I've never fucking had duck. It was always chicken or beef growing up. My parents would have shot me if I ever tried to order the duck.
He's full of dumb jokes and he won't stop babbling about his stupid PhD program and all the research he needs to do in order to...whatever I actually tuned out. I'm looking across the table at him while he's babbling and I’m sizing him up, wondering if I could actually make out with that face. His bottom lip protruded out a little too much but I think it's better than no lips. I'm actually having this conversation in my head and wondering if I should go somewhere after dinner with him. It takes a moment of consideration and I think what the hell I have nothing else to do.
Over dinner he made some lame comments about my boobs and that he couldn't stop looking at them. I swear my boobs get more action than I've ever seen. Sometimes I actually get jealous of them and silently curse them because they are drawing attention away from me. We walk 90 miles back to his car and I start to feel a little gas in my stomach. I think: Great I didn't know that Thai gave me
Gas. So shortie and I make it back to his car and we decide to go to Balboa Park to walk around.
We sit in front of the fountain and begin a conversation that goes south quickly. He asks me about porn and what I think of it. I told him that I think it's gross and he says with much confusion "Wow how did you get this far in life hating porn. How does this affect you in relationships?" Well I didn't know my opinion was so life altering. I ended up trying to debate the subject and then found I was tired and this guy is a smuck so I changed the subject. We start to walk down by the museums and he says he needs to use the restroom. Now I know the restrooms at the park aren’t open at night so I tell him this. He's franticly pulling on doors and then we pass a courtyard and he says he'll be right back. I'm thinking at this point, seriously am I standing in the dark park without my purse (it's in the car) and this jackass has just left me to go find a bush somewhere to pee in. He is gone for over 10 minutes and I receive images of him squatting and shitting somewhere in the woods.
We go back to the car and all I can think is that he probably has shit on his hands. We are parked in front of the Natural History Museum and they are receiving a shipment. I turn to grab my seatbelt and when I turn around his lips are smashed up against my face. My immediate thought is that this may not be too bad. We kiss for a little bit and right when it's polite to pull away he starts to breathe heavily and his hands are on my tits, grabbing and pulling. I'm kind of smashed up against the side of the door when he does the unthinkable, he attempts to climb into my seat and get on top of me.
First of all we are in a civic, and second we are not in a tinted car in an abandoned parking lot. I have a scarf around my neck and my hair is down and he's not the smallest guy. In a matter of seconds he's trying to climb on top of me and his foot gets caught on the stick shift. He leans on my scarf and it begins to choke me while his hand is ripping my hair out of the back of my head. It's all too sudden and I have no idea how I got in this predicament. All I can say is "Ow my hair, your choking me!" Then I say "What are we 17, I'm not going to have sex with you in your car" He says "Who says we are going to have sex, I don't carry condoms with me!" I push him back and say I don't think we should do this.
He begins to drive me home and I notice his pants are unzipped. He says "I'm so horny now" I say "Wow that's nice to say" in which he answers: "Don't worry I'll finish this at home."
Perfect Ending to my shitty dating life...
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