It all started with a divorce. I thought I had a love that was different, that was special in some fairytale way. I thought I was exempt from all the normality of life. I was 21 when I tied the knot and then 26 when the thread unraveled. The world I knew was no longer and I was forced to find myself all over again. Married, Divorced and Bankrupt before thirty. I had never had sex with anyone else besides my husband. It had nothing to do with religion but all to do with my pride, the protection of my femininity, my innocence. I wasn't going to let anyone take away the one thing I could protect, the last piece of my innocence. I was waiting for love.
Divorce bled me dry. Literally I had a gaping hole in my heart that continued to bleed long after the wound had healed. I became liberated, angry, depressed, desperate and sexual. I used Men to fill a void, a space that had never before been present. I felt like I had power finally, like I had a special entitlement to hurt the very gender that hurt me. The truth was that I was hurting and in turn hurting others. I'm sure in the end I hurt myself more and that I really just confused a bunch of men with my one-night stands. This lasted exactly a year until I found that wine and sex with strangers wasn't healing my wounds but only deepening them.
I had a year and a half of solitude and I never once wanted a man. I was content finally, I was healing from the inside and coming to terms with what my divorce and marriage really meant in my life. I forgave my husband because I no longer possessed any feelings towards him good or bad. It was as if one day I woke up and was completely numb to this man that I had been so needy for, so desperate for, the man that took my innocence, my heart and ripped it to shreds. I began to appreciate what I went through. I realized that I was a whole person again, that I was so much more than I allowed myself to be while married. I was back and my faith in love was restored. Hope surrounded me and I began to believe that I could find love again, that it was my destiny. Once a hopeless romantic, always a hopeless romantic.
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